It's all a past life now, and it's also time to talk about it.
In October 2022, I made the decision to leave my relationship, which I realised put me at risk of being forced to leave Scotland, the only place that had ever truly felt like home. My Spouse Visa was effectively cancelled when I left the croft (I'd been frequently reminded this would be the consequence, if things didn't work out between us, and that I would subsequently be required to vacate the UK within 60 days). In hindsight, it was a threat of the consequence of non-compliance. Staying on the croft until October 2024 was the alternative, and this was no longer an option I was willing or able to endure. Thankfully, the UK Home Office has a provision in place for such situations, and I was granted Indefinite Leave to Remain in the UK as a result.
The penny dropped in one single moment on a September morning that year, and has resulted in a slow epiphany ever since as to how I ended up in the situation I did in the first place, and how wrong it was for so long. After that moment, I sought advice from friends, as well as others educated in such matters with well-informed, professional advice, who were in a position to offer the perspective I wasn't able to glean while isolated. I look back on so much of it in utter disbelief that I wasn't savvy enough to see (let alone heed) the red flags and neon signs that were being waved and flashed in my face daily. I eventually awoke to an important realization.
I have been here before.
And yet, here I was again. Throughout my life, I have found myself dealing with the same person, just in different forms. So, if you find familiarity in some of the following, it might be time to confront some uncomfortable truths, and make some important changes to your own situation. It may mean making one of the most difficult decisions of your life, but take it from me, it will be worth it.
If they intentionally and continuously diminish the things you take joy in, or discourage you from taking part in them, be it something as small as your birthday, or hobbies or work that bring meaning to your life, it could be that they can't handle not being the center of attention. If they dissuade you from pursuing your passions, it could be jealousy, inadequacy, control, or because that’s not the role they envision for you, the one to suit their own personal purposes.
If you find yourself walking on eggshells, when you don’t know what to attend to first, as you’ll surely be somehow punished for what is left until later, think about how that makes you feel, not only in the moment, but how it indeed overshadows every waking moment. It is the harbinger of worse to come.
If you are frequently subjected to the ‘silent treatment’ for a week at a time, then the cold shoulder for another, that is neither tough-love, or any other form of love. Nor is the silent treatment a mechanism for their own self-preservation, as they might claim. It is a tool for control.
If you perpetually feel you’re limited to responding to them with only precisely what they want to hear, no more, no less, as you'll otherwise be slated and called names, that's not normal. Nor is them putting words in your mouth when you choose to keep quiet, rather than engage in the angry rant.
If you are required to prove yourself, or obtain permission, before being trusted with certain tasks, before making the full attempt in earnest, that is about control, and stems from their own inadequacies. It undermines your self-confidence and ambition, and slowly whittles away your sense of your own self worth and abilities.
If you’re the recipient of back-handed 'compliments', that seem to invalidate something positive about yourself that you know to be true, it is a manipulation tactic that allows them a facade of politeness and kindness, while actually belittling or undermining you. When you work hard, and are doing your best with what you have, but are inevitably met with ‘never-good-enough’ reactions to your efforts, this constant state of uncertainty can leave you doubting yourself, and eventually make you subconsciously dependant on approval that you'd normally never intentionally seek. The self-doubt will continue to snowball.
If it always feels like a no-win situation, and constant disappointment in yourself when you inescapably cannot live up to their expectations...
If respect is demanded, but never given; high morals are spoken of, but never enacted. If they expect (and get) the truth, but lie in exchange...
If they preach about the importance of animal rights, then they themselves do wrong by them...
If they tell you you can leave, but just realize if you do, you’ll always be alone, and will never find another one like them, while attempting to reinforce a belief that you cannot possibly make it on your own without them...
If you find out they’ve been turning down social invites on your behalf, ones you didn’t know existed until possibly months later...
If people show up at your home to visit, and are turned away at the end of the driveway, which you only, perhaps inadvertently, find out later, and God only knows what explanation they received at the gate...
If they consistently discourage your pursuit of employment, aside from specific jobs they've approved, namely ones that keep you under their supervision, and others that they possibly tried to arrange for you themselves, unbeknownst to you...
If they put on a show while in public, often charming complete strangers, then completely change their demeaner as soon as you walk through the front door of your house...
If they undermine your relationships with family and friends, making little remarks that leave you wondering who is really on your side, implying you're only in your friends lives because you're somehow 'of use' to them...
Or if they make subtle threats like "revenge is a dish best served cold," to attempt to intimidate, if you should ever consider defending yourself...
If, while in your company in public, they loudly demean certain members of society (expecting them to hear), notice the longer-term implications of such behaviour, and how likely you are to leave the house next time there's an errand to be run.
If they constantly remind you how ungrateful you are for everything they’ve done for you, and how ‘everybody else thinks so, too’, it's a way of shifting the focus away from their own behaviour. By continuously creating an impression that everyone has taken their side, they're effectively reminding you how alone you are, and it's a systematic approach in isolating you, leaving you hesitant and uncertain about who you might be able to reach out to for the help you actually probably need at this point, but not for the reasons they're trying to have you believe. They might even take it so far to feel entitled, as a non-professional, to encourage, nay, implore you, on their knees in prayer position, insisting you need professional intervention with very specific prescription medication, to "be normal again".
I must say, there were few red flags I've encountered over the years that were as blatant as that one.
If it gets to this point, they're probably, in all actuality, pretty close to owning you.
These people create alternative narratives early on, to later justify what they know will be the inevitable. These false narratives will likely only become apparent to you much, much later. They lay the groundwork as soon as you begin dating, because part of them knows themselves well enough (even though you don't) that it will never last. It’s so obvious in hindsight, and you may never fully understand their motives when they come out with a complete falsehood, trying to convince you it’s true when you know full well it’s not. It’s a new story they’re creating, for what you don’t even realize is coming yet. You’ll be in the dark for much of it, until you’re suddenly not, and then, you cannot unsee the light.
It may not be obvious while you're in the thick of it, but take a step back, and ask yourself one question: Do their words align with their behaviour? If you're noticing inconsistencies between the two, trust your own judgement on this. They have learned throughout their life that acting will actually get them pretty far, but actors eventually stumble if they forget which character they're meant to be playing. Their true selves will frequently show; don't let their incongruent words fool you.
Where they spare no effort in turning friends into enemies, let those who go along with their version, determined to misinterpret your situation, continue to do such. Try to give those folks your understanding. After all, it can take years to see through the manipulation. Perhaps that same veil will be lifted for them someday, too. Trying to defend yourself from the myriad of accusations contained within the inevitable smear campaign is an exercise in futility, and waste of precious energy, as what you might say will already have been anticipated by them, and will be readily countered by their carefully (or not so carefully) prepared narrative, which will have just enough of a dusting of truth to make it believable. They will play the victim, and will add that 'it's not a sob story', when that's exactly what it is. One of their own making.
The things you've done to them, how you took advantage, how you cheated (all their past partners left them for someone else, that's a tale they will always choose to tell). The abuse they suffered at your hands, and how miserable you made them.
The next victim, if they don't know any better, might look at them and think, gosh, they're such a lovely person; life just hasn't been fair to them. What a fool their partner must have been to have treated them that way, and to let them go.
How lucky the next one will be.
Textbook, as they say; which I gradually suspected, and was eventually told.
The funny thing is, these things you’re accused of, at length, are the very behaviours they themselves are displaying, and have in the past. They project them on to you, as a means of disowning what they know deep-down to be the worst of themselves. These accusations ultimately amount to an unconscious admission of their own character.
They are confessions. Pay attention to them.
If any of this sounds familiar, you may have fallen in love with someone who never existed. You might be seeing something in them that was never there. Don’t assume because you feel deeply, that all others in your orbit have the capacity for the same.
I've experienced all of these situations at some point in my adult life, and much more that only those closest to me will ever know. Yes, I have indeed been there before, and now that I finally see it, it's somewhere I will never go again.
P.S. This post can be considered the Prequel to my previous published Sequel (read here) from last summer. Since October 2022, things have done nothing other than continue to look up! 😊